Day 15 – Friday, November 13, 2009
It is Saturday as I write this and this morning I woke up with some profound revelations about my life.
I have been depressed recently and I felt alone yesterday. I feel as though I am going through some kind of “cold turkey”, not so much physically, but emotionally and mentally. I have been experiencing a variety of emotions as I process certain past events that have negatively shaped and influenced my life. It is part of a larger healing process that I have initiated since my birthday 16 days ago. It’s tough and it has not been easy, especially for those around me and yet I believe it’s working. At least, I certainly hope it is.
Loneliness comes to me quite often and normally I would do everything I can to avoid it by finding someone to be with or by distracting and numbing myself with any number of diversions. It’s a feeling I have been fearful of and one that I considered to be very bad because I associated it with a notion that something was wrong with my life. Somehow, I believed that healthy, happy and successful people don’t have feelings of loneliness, sadness and despair. They are too busy being happy. Yet, despite my efforts to avoid and runaway from these feelings they seem to always come back and haunt me.
Yet this morning I had a revelation; an epiphany! I realized that my loneliness correlates directly to the belief that I am unique. The more unique I consider myself to be then the more I feel alone and isolated – and – I have every evidence of my uniqueness based on my past including: unusual parents, the bizarre household I grew up in, the strange foods I ate and my transplanted Japanese heritage. Add to this: an overinflated ego, an arrogant sense of self-worth fueled by my parents fame, righteous macrobiotic attitudes and a crazy notion that I know all the answers to the universe and then you have a sure recipe for isolation and even insanity. I should be locked up.
Yet the epiphany also involved seeing the positive side to my uniqueness and that is that it helps me find my life’s path. My life is uniquely mine and in it I stand alone. I need not be fearful nor sad about being alone. I have a unique history and perspective on the world as I have been at the crossroads of differing cultures, philosophies, traditions and generations. I can be a certain bridge, connecting ideas between many differing worlds.
As a result of this epiphany my feelings of loneliness are no longer a source of narcissistic self-pity but instead are a mechanism to alert me of my own arrogance and self-centeredness. To rid myself of this arrogance I find that all I need do is recognize and celebrate the uniqueness of others and to be with them and share with them the common bond of our human frailties and weaknesses. Happily, I have found that there are many like myself, who believe themselves to also be unique and then suffer in their arrogance and yet are willing to surrender and humble themselves to each other and to life.