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Day 15 – Friday, November 13, 2009

November 14, 2009

scream_narrowweb__300x390,0It is Saturday as I write this and this morning I woke up with some profound revelations about my life.

I have been depressed recently and I felt alone yesterday.  I feel as though I am going through some kind of “cold turkey”, not so much physically, but emotionally and mentally.  I have been experiencing a variety of emotions as I process certain past events that have negatively shaped and influenced my life. It is part of a larger healing process that I have initiated since my birthday 16 days ago. It’s tough and it has not been easy, especially for those around me and yet I believe it’s working.  At least, I certainly hope it is.

Loneliness comes to me quite often and normally I would do everything I can to avoid it by finding someone to be with or by distracting and numbing myself with any number of diversions. It’s a feeling I have been fearful of and one that I considered to be very bad because I associated it with a notion that something was wrong with my life. Somehow, I believed that  healthy, happy and successful people don’t have feelings of loneliness, sadness and despair.   They are too busy being happy. Yet, despite my efforts to avoid and runaway from these feelings they seem to always come back and haunt me.

Yet this morning I had a revelation; an epiphany!  I realized that my loneliness correlates directly to the belief that I am unique.  The more unique I consider myself to be then the more I feel alone and isolated – and – I have every evidence of my uniqueness based on my past including: unusual parents,  the bizarre household I grew up in,  the strange foods I ate and my transplanted Japanese heritage.  Add to this: an overinflated ego, an arrogant sense of self-worth fueled by my parents fame,  righteous macrobiotic attitudes and a crazy notion that I know all the answers to the universe and then you have a sure recipe for isolation and even insanity.  I should be locked up.

Yet the epiphany also involved seeing the positive side to my uniqueness and that is that it helps me find my life’s path.  My life is uniquely mine and in it I stand alone.  I need not be fearful nor sad about being alone. I have a unique history and perspective on the world as I have been at the crossroads of differing cultures, philosophies, traditions and generations.  I can be a certain bridge, connecting ideas between many differing worlds.

As a result of this epiphany my feelings of loneliness are no longer a source of narcissistic self-pity but instead are a mechanism to alert me of  my own arrogance and self-centeredness. To rid myself of this arrogance I find that all I need do is recognize and celebrate the uniqueness of others and  to be with them and share with them the common bond of our human frailties and weaknesses. Happily, I have found that there are many like myself, who believe themselves to also be unique and then suffer in their arrogance and yet are willing to surrender and humble themselves to each other and to life.

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5 Comments leave one →
  1. Alyson permalink
    November 14, 2009 11:07 pm

    what a beautiful entry.

  2. Musheera permalink
    November 14, 2009 11:41 pm

    Good luck on your journy Phiya…It;s a never-ending painful strugggle but I’m positive that it is very rewarding.

  3. Bruce Gardiner permalink
    November 14, 2009 11:45 pm

    Dear Phiya –

    It seems we are on a similar track. I have been in a similar lonliness, which recently caused me to withdraw from my church–I became Catholic in 1985, don’t ask me why; I was just attracted—frou weeks ago. Then I began meditating more, with a sense that it is time to get serious. It feels like a major breakthrough is trying to happen.

    _______________________________________________________________________
    Uniqueness IS sameness. Everyone seeks to be unique. To forskae uniqueness is to discover that each of us is unique…without making an effort to be unique or to express our uniqueness.
    _______________________________________________________________________

    Fernando Flores once gave an exerise which I really like:

    “Reflect on the following statements:

    You need not agree with these statements. Be prepared to report the phenomena that occur as you listen them

    All the qualities of myself are assessments that live in listening. They do not live as properties.

    If these qualities only live in listening, they are emptiness. They live like linguistic moments of interpretation. They belong simultaneously to language and to emptiness.

    The way that my qualities manifest is in the interpretation that other people, including myself, are making about my actions.”

    ____________________________________________________________________

    I really appreciate your cirtique of the HAY/LAW OF ATTRACTION/WHAT THE BLEEP conception.
    ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

    Let’s get together to pursue the conversation we are becoming….

    Peace and all good,
    Bruce

  4. Klara Le Vine permalink
    November 15, 2009 1:19 am

    Phiya,

    I have no right to say anything as 1) I only know you thru the net 2) I apologize deeply for not having followed your blog 3) no one can know what another is going thru without being in his shoes, and we can never ever be in another person’s shoes.

    But I can’t not say anything – you’ve touched my heart. I used to have a philosophy that those who are geniuses are very lonely, because of their specialness. I used to feel VERY guilty when one of your father’s qualifications for living the Great Life was how many real friends do you have – sure, I had acquantances, but for that special connection of friendship, it meant to have a deeper love and acceptance.

    I don’t know you, I wish I did. I have loved exchanging emails with you. If you feel you are arrogant, I won’t argue with you. But from your emails I found you very personable, honest, so real. I don’t feel that way with people who I think are arrogant.

    But it doesn’t really matter a hoot what I think – I have also felt bouts of loneliness, and for me it was not having the deep connection that I just mentioned of love and acceptance.

    It is your journey and of course, I wish you the balance for the loneliness and depression. Also forgive me for this, but I often wonder if the computer doesn’t add to loneliness – even tho that’s how I “know” you, I would be willing to forfeit hearing from you if I knew that added to the richness of your real life.

    Love, as much as one can to another on the net

  5. November 15, 2009 4:56 pm

    Phiya,
    Thank you for your openness with the sharing of your feelings and thoughts. I really appreciate you.

    Know that you are never really alone even though it feels like it, at times to the point of distress and total consumption. I too have been experiencing some of what you describe. It is as if I am almost observing this wondering when it is going to lift because there is no apparent reason for such loneliness. I trust these changes are necessary for that which we are to do, a calling we must fulfill and a cleansing to be well…to be really well.

    Trusting the clouds will lift and the sun will shine bright and gloriously from within to all. Be encouraged for you are surrounded by many people who truly care and know you are growing, every moment improving from that which you used to be.

    Have a sunshiny day and let your light shine so all can see the great Phiya! :) Donna
    who sees the clouds parting…here comes the sun

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